Unsatisfied?

Dear Amy,

I've noticed a trend in my reading habits since Mike and I were married: I have been reading fewer than 20 pages a night, and some nights I have been reading no pages at all. I suppose that might be true of all newly married couples, but it's something I intend to remedy. I've started tonight.

This evening, I began using the devotional My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers, and I was immediately taken by the first lesson. Chambers writes:

God's order has to work up to a crisis in our lives because we will not heed the gentler way. He brings us to a place where He asks us to be our utmost for Him and we begin to debate; then He produces a providential crisis where we must decide--for or against, and from that point the Great Divide begins. If the crisis has come to you on any line, surrender your will to Him absolutely and irrevocably.

I think I have hit a crisis point in my life. I'm deeply unsatisfied in my line of work, my lack of literary fortitude, my physical appearance, my behaviors and attitude, and even--at times--my relations with my husband. But most of all, I'm unsatisfied with my scant relationship with God.  Most days I wake up feeling defeated and go to bed on the verge of tears. It's not that I'm in any sort of real, tangible trouble. Our finances are in order, my job is easy and pays well, my relationship with my husband is loving and solid. I just feel...disillusioned. Like I've missed the point of my existence.

Has your heart ever felt so heavy that you felt it might break? And have you ever been unable to pinpoint why?

I think about college, when I had planned to transfer to Gordon. I wonder why I didn't. I guess it's easy when you feel directionless to imagine the direction your life might have taken if you had gone another way. Part of me wishes I had gone, but realizes that I would never have the wonderful things that I have now if I had chosen that path. Still. Having given my heart to God and then backtracked, I've come to a place where I wish I had never let Him go. It has made the road back to Him so much harder, and the mistakes I made along the way weigh heavy on my heart. And then there is the matter of what I might have become. I wonder that sometimes. Like Mrs. Hughes on Downton Abbey when she asked Mr. Carson if he had ever wished he'd had a wife and kids instead of becoming a butler, the answer to my question too is "I don't know."

I don't regret my life. I just feel...like there's something missing. Something big. 

And I think what's missing is Him. I've thought of God in such small terms up until now, but I'm beginning to see that my life has really only ever had meaning when He was in it. Out of that relationship grew self-worth, self-respect, opportunity, and friendships, as well as a deep sense that I was acknowledged and cared for.

I've fought hard for my little life. Fought hard to keep it afloat with bad relationships and bad habits. I've looked for love in the craziest of places--in men who used me and women who sought to control me. But it all comes down to this:

“Do not fear, for I have redeemed you;
    I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
When you pass through the waters,
    I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
    they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
    you will not be burned;
    the flames will not set you ablaze.

... you are precious and honored in my sight...

I'm not sure if a lot of people know how difficult it is for me to feel precious or honored. I have bruises on my heart, the bruises of a little girl suffering from an illness that her family couldn't understand of acknowledge, the bruises of a young woman praised only for her body. And while I've forgiven and made peace, my heart has not forgotten that hurt.  I don't fault anyone for that. I just...don't grok that kind of love readily.

So yeah, back to the crisis point. All of this tiredness and disillusionment and hurt has come to a head in my life, and I feel like God is probably the only one who can make it better. So. My utmost for His highest. Dismissing the bad habits, unveiling a new attitude, and devoting myself to Him all over again. Through sheer Grace and a healthy dose of surrender. This time, I want to choose rightly. I want something real.

Any tips?