Half-Resolutions

Dear "Circus Time,"

(Oh man. That Circus Time bit just never gets old! Well, we'll see about that in a couple of days.)

I've been thinking a lot about my half-resolutions in the past few hours--you know, the resolutions that you can't quite seem to get yourself to make because you know you'll fall short of the mark?

The way I see it, I'm the Perpetual Seeker. Always looking for God but never really quite being able to let myself find Him. This year, I half-resolved to spend more time in prayer. To spend more time seeking His face. I can't tell you why I'm so afraid to do it. Maybe because I know that I couldn't continue on as I am if I finally let Him in?

Maybe you can shed some light?

I doubt that my problem amounts to not wanting Him. You see, I have a kind of complex. I can't let myself do anything I know I'll fail at initially. And I'm terrified of being a terrible disciple. Terrified that my best will not be enough. Every time I slip up--missing church, having a glass too much wine, getting testy with my husband--it just seems like evidence that I'll never be good enough.

If I did let Him in, would any of that change? Would I magically become the kind of person God desires me to be? Or I am short-sighted in believing that more is required of me than I can give?

Does my honesty offend you?

Any advice you have to offer would be most welcome, Dear Abby.

Yours,
Erin "Circus Time" Brown-Ackerson