New Year's Resolutions? What are those?!

Dear Amy,

I had resolved to do three things this year:

1) Eat three fruits and three vegetables per day
2) Exercise five times a week for at least 20 minutes
3) Drink less wine

I have done none of those things.

(I guess I also kind of half resolved to spend more time in prayer, but that's a problem all of its own. Half resolutions, I mean. Not spending time in prayer.)

(And I haven't done that either, by the way.)

This is how my New Year's Resolutions have played out in reverse order:

3)When I woke up in 2013, my table had magically transformed into a wine cellar. Suddenly I had myriad cheap wines at my disposal! So, naturally, I have been picking them off a couple glasses at a time. Because God forbid I ever save anything. I guess the point to this story is that I have actually been drinking MORE wine lately rather than less.

2) HAHAHAHAHAHAHA YEAH RIGHT.

1) Chinese take-away counts as a vegetable right?
No, but furrealz. I ate three bites of a fruit salad (which I think might have been rotten) today. I'm pretty proud of myself.

I think you have the right idea. I could go for some McD's right now.